Review Smartphones aren't very exciting anymore, but Apple insists its mutually optimised operating system, online services, and proprietary silicon combine to deliver an uncommonly fine experience.

I decided to put that assertion to the test with both an unusual and extreme workload, and with general smartphone tasks.

For the extreme workload I chose to use the iPhone to run Zwift, a cycling simulation game that ingests real-time information about a cyclist's power and cadence, broadcast over Bluetooth, and matches those exertions to simulated speeds in a virtual world.

I also connected to a Bluetooth heart rate monitor, Bluetooth earbuds so I could listen to a podcast while training, and plugged the iPhone into a Lightning-to-HDMI cable so that I'd see Zwift on a 28-inch monitor instead of the iPhone's 6.1-inch screen.

This is a workload that my main laptop – a Core-i5-powered 6th-gen Lenovo X1 Carbon – handles comfortably after requiring a minute or two to warm up. I generally spare the PC the streaming audio, preferring my smartphone for that chore.

Zwift started more quickly on the iPhone 13 than it does on the PC and didn't miss a beat through a 90-minute test with all those devices connected. Not a pixel of Zwift's video output was buffered or smeared, and not a word of the podcast I listened to was mangled. Data flowed from my bicycle trainer to Zwift without error. My heart rate monitor, prone to dropouts on the PC, remained connected throughout.

The phone also found and paired with my accessories more quickly than my PC and reconnected more reliably on subsequent rides.

Seeing a smartphone so comfortably handle a workload that pushes a PC was a pleasant surprise. It also showed off the device's limitations because 90 minutes with all those Bluetooth connections running took a third out of the iPhone's battery capacity. That didn't make the phone run hot but left the battery a little more prone to drain than it was before the torture test.

The iPhone 13 was not alone in suffering after prolonged use of a punishing workload. I've often observed such sessions leave a handset's battery a little bruised. Before the torture test, the iPhone 13 always had plenty of juice left at the end of a working day. Afterwards it sometimes went onto the nightstand at just under 20 per cent.

The battery depleted at about 8 per cent per hour when Zooming or streaming video over Wi-Fi. Constant GPS use with the screen off chewed about 5 per cent of battery an hour.

I ran the GPS with the iPhone in the back of a cycling jersey on a four-hour ride and it survived bright sun, drizzle, and more of my sweaty self than is reasonable to ask readers to imagine.

Overall, the phone feels resilient. I used it to play morning radio news in my bathroom without ever worrying it would fall victim to steam, a stray splash, or a wet-handed fumble onto screen-crushing tiles.

Getting to the starting line with the iPhone proved unexpectedly complicated. My last few phone upgrades have been Android-to-Android and Samsung-to-Samsung. In that world, a new phone quickly clones itself and even manages to move some passwords on the new handset.

Apple's Android-to-iPhone migration app was less successful. So was a tool that lets you migrate an account from an iPad to a new iPhone.

The effect of the poor migration experience was a solid three-week overlap between phones as I found time to retrieve passwords and jump through necessary security hoops to ensure financial services apps allowed me to transact with the Apple handset. This was a little disappointing.

So is Apple's preference for the Face ID biometric system.

Facial biometrics are the wrong choice for this mask-wearing moment. During my tests, local rules mandated QR code check-in and masks in almost any setting outside the home. A weekly shopping trip therefore meant a lot of QR scanning.

The iPhone 13's reliance on Face ID means a lot of repeated mask removal (with occasional scowls from passers-by) to activate a check-in app.

Face ID does work well, including in very low light, or when wearing sunglasses, or a hat. It integrates well with third-party apps.

But it won't allow creation of a masked biometric.

That's a pain because Apple Pay uses Face ID. During deep lockdown I found myself reverting to using a payment card just to save the fumbling of repeated unmasking.

I'm convinced that a fingerprint reader would be more convenient in 2021, and for many users deep into 2022 and beyond.

The Face ID experience rather set the tone for the whole phone. When it wasn't asking if I'd like to use a password instead of my face, the iPhone was reminding me that iCloud was full, which meant I couldn't back up.

That the machine did not swiftly pair with my Samsung Bluetooth earbuds – an app was required to get them talking – felt like another signpost aimed at having me always consider a journey deeper into Apple Country.

So did the curious inclusion of a USB-C to Lightning cable in the box (but no charger). That's an odd choice as the installed base of USB-C chargers is vastly smaller than USB-A devices.

The camera is excellent, but I found it tends to over-dramatize. The shot below of a storm displays sunbeams I did not observe with the naked eye but does very well on the silhouettes of the plants and picking out lights in nearby homes.

Click to enlarge, or here for the full unedited photo

I like what the camera found in the shot below: it spotted cobwebs on the uprights of the fence, the textures of its many coats of paint, and in the background clearly shows the tiles on my veranda and even the sheen of a dark green garden hose. Those nuances are rather better than the output of mid-range phones I've used. iOS has lovely editing tools that exceed the Android alternatives I've experienced.

Click to enlarge, or here for the full unedited photograph.

The device's 2,532 x 1,170 screen offers lovely distinct and crisp colours that make reading easy, video eminently viewable, and arcade gaming achievable.

I found some games feel like they have levelled up compared to other versions I've played – might they be taking advantage of Apple's AI-infused silicon to make life harder?

For most of the day, the iPhone 13 doesn't stand out. Browsers render pages well and speedily; email clients behave as expected. Messages is a strong SMS client.

Overall, the phone is excellent – but I was never excited by the phone in the way I've been when a mid-range handset does brilliantly at an impressive price, a super-premium folding handset creates new possibilities, or a more marked upgrade improves the smartphone experience.

Running Zwift was impressive but didn't take the handset into a new category in the way that Samsung's Dex desktop environment opened up new possibilities.

The iPhone 13 gets closest to that kind of emotional payoff of increased satisfaction with its battery life, which is so strong it has banished battery anxiety from my daily routine – even on the now-rare days I bounce between meetings.

For iPhone admirers, this new machine will doubtless represent pleasingly crisp continuity. But if you're looking for something to make you appreciate the smartphone again, you may not get what you want from the iPhone 13. ®

Who, Me? Before one can organise a piss-up in a brewery, one must first get the brewery started. Something a Register reader found difficult in today's Who, Me?

Our tale takes us back to the '80s, the decade of fun. Our brave reader – let's call him "Gareth" – was heading up a team building a state-of-the-art Brewery Process Block.

It was quite the thing to behold. "They literally came from all over Europe to see it," boasted Gareth. The clever modular design meant that bits could start being water tested even if other parts were not quite ready. It was also up and running – handy since a grand opening was planned.

12BoC Every little bit doesn't help in today's edition of our final run of 2021 Borks: The 12 Borks of Christmas.

It is the Hove branch of the UK grocery retailer Tesco feeling the pinch today as a number of Register readers and your correspondent separately spotted the same bit of sick signage outside the store.

12BoC We take a trip to the seaside in our 12 Borks of Christmas as a parking machine touchscreen goes rogue... with inevitable consequences.

The fair city of Brighton has many car parks, all of which will charge the visiting motorist an eye-watering premium in return for a few hours of parking.

It appears that one customer has taken advantage of a distressed unit, the touchscreen of which is displaying Microsoft Paint (replete with a bitmap of the local council's logo) rather than the normal extortionate rates expected for a stay in Brighton and Hove.

12BoC Welcome to The Register's Twelve Borks of Christmas (12BoC), a final festive hurrah for digital signage silage and, behind today's window, a reminder that wherever Windows might turn up, Notepad has always got your back.

Snapped by a keen-eyed Register reader, this ATM outside a branch of UK grocery shop Sainsbury's does not look set to be dispensing cash any time soon. One of a pair, the screen belies the presence of Microsoft's finest within thanks to our old friend, Windows Notepad.

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Twas the night after Christmas, but I felt all alone.

I'd opted for on-call rather than spend it at home.

Paid double to sit idle, my colleagues did say:

Episode 23 It wouldn't be Christmas without the smell of chestnuts on an open fire and the sound of carols in the air …

On Call Welcome to On Call, and a telephone mystery solved only after an innocent party found themselves on the receiving end of a most unexpected conversation.

Our story, from a reader Regomised as "Des", takes place in the closing years of the 20th century and concerns an IVR platform he'd developed.

IVR, or Interactive Voice Response, was the slightly inaccurate name given to the then exciting new technology whereby one might jab digits on one's phone to interact with a system on the other end of the line. Perhaps to leave a voicemail, make an order, or interact with any number of premium services.

The European Processor Initiative (EPI) has concluded the first phase of its efforts to create made-in-Europe chips, an effort it is hoped will reduce reliance on imports, improve sovereign capabilities, and create the continent's first exascale supercomputer.

The EPI’s end-of-year report, published this week, notes a few major achievements, among them delivering the specification of “Rhea”, the first generation of the EPI General-Purpose Processor (GPP) implementation and its future derivates.

Rhea is built on Arm’s Neoverse V1 processor architecture, but it also has 29 RISC-V cores deployed as controllers. Rhea is planned to be deployed in an exascale super in 2023.

Microsoft has revealed a vulnerability in its Azure App Service for Linux allowed the download of files that users almost certainly did not intend to be made public.

Microsoft bills the Azure App Service as just the thing if you want to “Quickly and easily create enterprise-ready web and mobile apps for any platform or device, and deploy them on a scalable and reliable cloud infrastructure.”

Note that description does not mention security.

A software upgrade will disable a "feature" that allows the touchscreen on Tesla cars to play video games - even while the vehicles are in motion- after the USA's National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) investigated a complaint about the tech.

The feature, called "Passenger Play", has been available since 2020 in the Tesla Model 3, S, X, and Y. As the name implies, it was aimed at passengers. Prior to 2020, occupants of the car could only play games while the vehicle was in park.

“Following the opening of a preliminary evaluation of Tesla’s ‘Passenger Play,’ Tesla informed the agency that it is changing the functionality of this feature. In a new software update, “Passenger Play” will now be locked and unusable when the vehicle is in motion,” said a statement from NHTSA.

Intel has expressed regret for the way its warning its suppliers not to use labour, or source goods, from China’s Xinjiang region, has been interpreted inside the Middle Kingdom.

China is credibly accused of conducting genocide in Xinjiang, a region whose inhabitants are mostly members of the Uyghur people and practice Islam. Human rights organisation Amnesty International’s assessment of the situation in Xinjiang found “Muslim ethnic minorities face systematic state-organized mass imprisonment, torture and persecution amounting to crimes against humanity.”

The USA’s assessment of the region states that China has implemented “wholesale policies, practices, and abuses … designed systematically to discriminate against and surveil ethnic Uyghurs … restrict their freedom to travel, emigrate, and attend schools, and deny other basic human rights of assembly, speech, and worship.”

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